2018: MY YEAR OF LOSS(es) AND GAIN(s)

LMAO. You thought I won’t recount my year, abi? LOL. Devil is a liar; my God is the winner! So, here goes… Many waters have passed under the bridge but here we are – standing firm. First, I’ll want to appreciate God Almighty; the giver of life, might and everything good.

My last year started with me resuming into my last clinical rotation as a medical student, with so many anticipation and because I wanted to be a “better student”, I let go a lot of extracurricular activities but held on to The Press Club as I resumed as the president of the organization. And trust me, it was a new height; I maximized the opportunity, did a lot of interviews and visitation.

By the time it was February, final exams was drawing nearer and becoming more real… this is the time you know your real friends and those who want good for you. Before I could blink, March was here (well, I still planned and attended about 2 of my MFMYC sisters’ – Sister Marian and Sister Sarah – weddings, as a welfare leader shaa and as per mahn cannor come and go and die) and April came along. The almighty professional exams finished April 28th, 2018. Result came out April 31st, I can never forget the feeling… I was in Korede’s room, I passed the first and third to be released (Paediatrics and Obgyn), failed the second and fourth (Medicine and surgery). LOL, I know right… that was like failing MBBS, LMAO. It was a surreal feeling, first because that was the first time in my 6 years of medical school I would be failing an exam or having to resit one. Shit happens…

Well, I sat back, relaxed… a lot happened… I sought for tears at some point and could not find; it was painful. I was angry, angry at myself and even GOD (I mean, who gets angry at God? … well, I did). Eventually, I decided to go and check what went wrong. I went to the department of medicine first, only to find out I was 1.5 marks away from the pass mark (overall I scored 48.5 and 50 was the pass mark. LOL). When the HOD was telling me… in his exact words, “what happened? you were one of the few that passed MCQ well – I got well above 100 over 200, your OSCE was good – I got 230 something over 300, sincerely, I never knew I was that brilliant – but your essay was low – yeah, I got 60 over 200…”.

I was just laughing, I couldn’t think, so I left. Later, when I was telling a friend, she was like it’s not adding up Kemi. How would you get as low as 60/200 in essay, when it’s not that you didn’t write anything… but it was too late to cry over spilled milk. After this, I didn’t bother to go and check my surgery scores (before I would see 49 as my overall score). So, I resorted to “what has happened as happened… moving on, affliction would not raise the second time”, so I manned the f**k up and grabbed resit by the horns!

In all of this, my month of May was a mirage (it just breezed by… don’t let me call it a waste), because I took a lot of breaks – break from life, break from God, break from friends (even though I was with them physically) – I was in a world of my own. It was truly “May”, ‘cause I felt Mayhem and it was a “may” feeling. My fight with God went on for weeks but I had good holding friends who became pastors to me (Stephanie Ugbor and Awosika Oluwakorede: God bless you for me) reminding me of the Grace of God through turbulence with His mercy and love that endureth forever over me regardless.

The battle was tough but God was faithful and saw me through it all. In this, I made wonderful friends turn sisters (Mary and Pelumi – 3 of us with peculiar similar stories). We studied together, slept together, prayed together, went for tutorials together, learnt together, ate together, held each other up and scaled through it all together. Truly, your turbulent hours in life gives you the best of friends and helpers – this friendship I’ll cherish forever.

Still I kept going out, attended programs, had fun, made friends… I even went out of Lagos at some point. I needed to relax and let a lot of steam out of me before coming back to LUTH and sitting down for resit; to avoid the depression that was hovering around in that compound. I didn’t let that dampen my spirit too bad – although spiritually it did initially, I won’t deny it, but over time… I realized the ways of God are not our own and His thoughts are not ours. So, I let go and let God.

In July, Resit came, it was like a flash but I survived… I passed, we passed. I cannot forget that day; my resit ended on the induction day of my classmates that had passed at first sitting. I was happy for them but it was with mixed feelings – fear of the unknown mostly. That same day, I went home with a heavy heart of the different possibilities that could turn out. On Friday, results were out and I cried – no, I wept or rather, I sobbed – when I saw my surgery result in particular and I had passed. I wept not for sorrow but for the process, for the uncertainties, for the events that had taken place in the exam hall, for the dreams, for the hopes, the prayers answered and the relief… I ran and wept uncontrollably for minutes for the first time in a long time because sincerely, at some point I had lost all hopes.

Sigh, August came. My birth month… after the hurdle of resit had been crossed, I began to revive the other parts of my life that had laid fallow. Safer hands (SHI) was back up and running, volunteering was on my list again, also I had the 6th Ngozi Agbo memorial media lecture, essay competition and debate to organize and prepare for among many other things. August 7 – my birthday – was the saddest day of my life. Why? you would ask. Sincerely, I do not know. But I was morbidly sad, asides that I didn’t have an internet enabled phone, I actually switched off my small phone so I would not be reachable and I left my base in LUTH and didn’t return that day.

I was so sad it was palpable, you could see it on my face and tell it from my voice through phone conversations. You know, at that point I might not have all I wanted to be grateful for but I had quite a number of things to be happy about, but I wasn’t. My friend Nyero (Yeah, I ran away to her place) tried to cheer me up but to no avail… at some point she was almost frustrated at my state because I’m always the happy and positive one cheering people on and she said, “are you the first 2X-year-old to not have all they wanted and not be where they plan to be? Get a grip of yourself!… share your troubles, don’t always try or want to be there for everybody and not want or allow others to be there for you… it’s not right”. I reflected on this.

And earlier at Wazobia FM that day, I had met an angelic Doctor who thought me a trick to letting stress go. My birthday last year actually started rather on a not-good-mode and ended that way with a lot of could be’s, anger and regrets. September, October was me trying to catch up on all I had lost since the beginning of the year… I engaged in more activities; NGOs, associations and so on… even made a new feat for some. I became intentional about forging ahead, building great relationships, connections and having great mentors. I began to plan and write about my new year – I actually read books…

November was one of my busiest, outgoing and happiest month. I met great people – Omobabirin Adeola; Author of Building great relationships is one – and got involved in new jobs that put me in a new light. I went from “zero” or even “minus” level to a higher level with God (maybe not level 100 yet but on my way). I served with my time, body and resources. I ensure that I impacted hope and something positive in all the lives I came across. And it was a party month, as it was Prof. F.T.O. and Gee’s birthday! My Ride or Die nigga that took me on a get-away to a beach house… it was lit! Courtesy, Gboneme aka Sandra Gee.

December was a month of visitation and catching up; with old friends, SHI Crew, new friends, mentors, family, service, life in general and so on, even though I didn’t feel Christmas or the end of the year, LOL. Some organizations I was able to train at and work with in 2018 include Value Female Network (VFN), Nigerian Urban Reproductive Health Initiative (NURHI 2), Hacey Health Initiative, Crystal Clear with Omobabirin, OVL foundation Ng, Agile P3, MARKET Doctor, MWAN…

Lessons learnt in 2018:
1. Sometimes in life, we need a break or a stop when we are going too fast with the pace of life. God has a check and balance system, a cautionary measure that is put in place which tends to slow us down so we don’t run past the set “speed limit” and become a casualty. In this process of “slowing down”- Hold on to God, lean not on your own understanding and trust the process.
2. This is me looking back now and talking from a retrospective point of view… in every situation, sit down, be humble, calm down and learn something.
3. Life will never happen the way we plan it for most of us, but when you see things going well for others… be happy and rejoice with them because it would be your turn soon.
4. Do not take dreams lightly. They are for warnings, signs and prophesies. Whatever manifests in the physical was a done deal in the spiritual, always keep that in mind.
5. In all cases, give thanks. When you are down, encourage people around you. Continuously be a source of inspiration and hope to everyone around you even when in turmoil.
6. Never be slow or unintentional about applying for things or following up, because according to a very senior colleague and mentor, “it is better to put it all out there when you are not ready, than wait till when you are ready and nothing is forthcoming or its too late”. I pray the spirit interprets this to you and give you the applicable understanding.
7. Don’t underlook or overlook anyone, you will never know who will recommend you for a great position.
8. Harness the power of mentorship always and have a 5 to 10 year life plan, it helps; career wise, marriage wise, financial wise, in all ramification of life and discuss these plans with relevant people that have been down that road.
9. What is yours will not pass you by… if it’s truly yours, it will come back to you but if it’s not yours, no matter how much you try in your power to keep it, it will always go away (Human or material thing, this was my phone story in 2018). There is mighty power in the tongue – beware of what you say and pronounce upon yourself and others.
10. PRAYER ANSWERS. NOT POWER (Adura ni’gba, agbara ko… Ma wo asiko alasiko tabi aago alaago sise. Oluwa lo la’siko eda ati igba). Do not work with the time set of others, Gods time is the best because He has and owns the time set of every being.

In summary, my 2018 was a year of so many battles – where I lost a lot and also gained a lot. It was a year of my rough FAILURE STORY TO SUCCESS. A year that determined a lot and took much from me. But in all, I am thankful that I made it through, I mean, WE made it through…

I am thankful for syncytium – classmates and friends turned family, for friends turned strangers, for strangers turned friends, for senior colleagues turned mentors, for junior colleagues turned mentees, for ideas that came to life, for dreams that came to pass, for people who believed in us at our lowest and for friends and family who remained through it all.

God bless you as we all have a fulfilling 2019, let’s keep living in the presence of Jehovah.

PS: If you didn’t see your name or face in this post. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Time, space, loss of phone(s) and plenty data (unprocessed information and pictures) will not let me. I promise to be better in the coming years.

OLUWAKEMISOLA A. (MB;BS Lagos)
A MEDICAL DOCTOR, CHRISTIAN, FEMINIST, SRHR EXPERT AND ADVOCATE, WRITER, CAMPAIGNER AND STORYTELLER…