It’s now 11:40pm and like every other night I lay on my bed, eyes wide open, writhing away in pain so intense that I bleed from every opening and feel the pangs through every fibre constituting my small compact but shredded body. Shredded by the invisible claws of sheer wickedness, wickedness begat from a love turned sour. As I bleed, both water and blood… and drowning away in my own thoughts and heart intent … I am jolted back to the present by the beep of my phone with its colourful light, as I lay down and find solace in the pitch darkness of my room. I look at the phone and it dawns on me – It is 11:55pm of February 13.
Then It crept into my mind, like a sweet peaceful flowing river and immediately; I jumped up… one by one I let go of every piece of covering holding me to my bed… after which I let go every bit of clothing clinging to my skin to afford me some means of comfort and warmth away from the cold night, the stone cold world and my ice cold heart. When I was done – as if instructed by an unseen being or unheard voice – I looked to the left and then to my right, while I let myself slip away through the door of my room. I continued down the hallway, strolling through the corridors with fire blazing from my eyes and finally, I let myself into the rushing harsh wind, away from the constraint of the walls of my building as I stand in the open, just as I had come into this world… and I let it all go…
… “I curse you today! I curse you with the curse of heaven! I curse you with the curse of the earth; I curse you with the curse of the night, the curse of the dead of the night! … I curse you with the blood that flows through and out of me! I curse you with every drop of water that passes through me! I curse you with the curse of silence! I curse you with the curse of pain! I curse you with the curse of nakedness! I curse you…” as I let out the last three words, I could feel my ice cold heart thaw away as I break down sobbing – it’s been a while I heard myself speak and let go of all the hate, pain and sorrow I had piled up in me for the past 12 months – the pendulum of 12:00am February 14 struck away as if feeling my pain and giving a response to my screams into the dead of the night.
This time last year I was so in love with a guy, I thought I would never get over him and nothing would ever come in between us, but little did I know…
My name is Mirabel I’m in my early 20s, and this is a short story of the past 3 years of my life in “love” or maybe in “lust”.
I was born and brought up in the way of the Lord, thank God for my parents; I knew what was right and what was not.
I met this guy at a point in my life when I was lonely and felt I needed someone or something to fill up this particular hole in me. I was desperately in search of love; I became so naïve…
He came in like my knight in shining armour. It started as friendship; plain, harmless friendship but with time grew into something bigger, a relationship or situationship…
Initially, I knew who I was so… I had never indulged in something like dating before, for heaven’s sake I was a Sunday school teacher. How on earth would it be heard that I, a teacher in church had a boyfriend?! But in my mind I consoled myself, told myself I was old and matured enough to dabble into it.
As I prayed to my God, my first ever and genuine lover, I found my heart trailing away to the thoughts of my earthly lover, he was embedded in all of me, I was beginning to lose track. Although, he knew my spiritual stand, but it still didn’t stop at the limits.
Aiming at not totally forgetting who I was, remaining a child of God in this relationship I found myself in… I tried combining “him” with my God. Serving man and God, that was when I knew I had finally taken the wrong turn.
Then the compromise started. From holding for too long, to a little hug, then a tiny kiss… and at every point and stop, I kept shunning the voice telling me, “Mirabel, should you be doing this?”. I felt I was in love.
He also loved me; at least he could do anything for me. He gave me all I needed and ever wanted. And He always said “I love u”, which when I say the same, something kept on asking, “Do you really love him or all the attention and extras that comes with him?”… to be honest, the gifts were expensive, the outing amazing and the sex… out of this world. Well, yes the sex… wondering how?
The first day, I got up from his bed naked… I had zeroed my mind. I felt so ashamed I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. And that faint voice kept on asking me, “is this what you teach in church?” But because I was almost too familiar with GOD and his word, and I thought I was smart enough to walk my way through and around it… I silenced my conscience and justified myself.
Before I knew what was going on, the first time of taking fire in my bosom lead to many other times, even though I knew it was wrong, and each time I did it I felt more worthless; I couldn’t get myself to stop or leave and I couldn’t ask for help because I was enjoying the goodies attached to it
Or maybe too shameful to expose my deeds and seek for guidance and counselling, thinking, “what would they think of me?” wont they think I am a sinner? Wont they stop me from teaching in church? How would I look at them and they at me? Won’t I become a gist and a topic of discussion in church? Do I necessarily need to see my pastor for this? Shouldn’t I be able to handle it and talk to my God about it? Won’t they poke their nose in my business? … On and on I kept moving forward my deliverance.
I told myself, “I love him”, that is all that matters. And since there were plans of us getting married anyways, why not go all the way, well I would eventually still sleep with him . Yes, he promised me marriage…
So without thinking about “what God will say or what GOD thinks about this?”… And anytime it does cross my mind while with him alone in his apartment, I ignore it and continue to sip from my cup of wine. #sigh
This continued for 2 years, I lost touch with God. Although the attention from my lover was there, the money was available, the material things also and the sex good… it did not and never still filled up the space of loneliness in my heart. On the long run, it was more like diverting my energy to a wrong project. I gave my heart, love, time and body. But what was my gain? Nothing! Just ephemeral things; all vanity.
As I had thought that we were inseparable and marriage was the goal (why I threw away my virginity and dignity) life happened and we went our separate ways. Funny isn’t it? ‘Cause at a point, I loved him like the world wouldn’t exist without him and shoved aside the God of love himself.
The break up was hurtful, and then I started opening up and talking to spiritual mothers and sisters which really helped a long way. I rebuilt my relationship with my lost first love. And ever-loving, ever friendly father he took me with his two hands and now I am totally free.
No matter the way you have gone either my way or some other way you think is worse or even reasonable… it wouldn’t make what is wrong right or right the wrong. It’s never too late to stop, think and find your way back to love, the real love that gave all for you and for me.
If like me, you are so deep and rooted in lust for one reason or the other and you think you can never get over it, speak to someone (not just anybody though) about it sincerely and you would be surprised the wonders the Lord can do through that person.
Happy valentine’s day lovers :*… remember, the God of love tarries forever.