Tag Archives: relationship

WHEN I STARTED TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY “EVERY” ACTIONS…

​I will never forget and forever remain grateful for that fateful day in the year 2015, when I walked into Tunde’s clinic for the first time. And after several sessions with him, I realised that I had lived my whole life making certain mistakes.

I had made it part of me – my entire life – to blame situations or people for certain actions and thoughts of mine. Although it was a bit challenging but after several sessions; I came to a realisation, made decisions and ultimately took actions. I realised that, I could either continue to “brood about how unhappy my childhood was”, “about peoples actions towards me” or “certain unpleasant situations in my life” and allow all of that result in negative feelings of sadness, bitterness and anger which ultimately results into “certain wrong or irrational actions I took” or “I could start taking charge of my own actions and thoughts, controlling them, becoming the architect of my own life”. Hence, taking full responsibility for my actions. 

Over time, I’ve watched a lot of people make similar mistakes and it has become a thing of great concern to me; as I’ve watched people not live their lifes to the maximum potential due to these mistakes. 

Below are 5 of the common mistakes I’ve seen and heard people make:

1. The reason for my behaviour today and bitterness is because I had an unhappy/abusive/difficult childhood.

No doubts, early childhood environment and psychosocial development contribute a vital portion of an individual’s life, but at a certain point in your adult life; you need to stand up for your – own – self. Only “you” can do that, you owe it to yourself. You have to decide to be happy and take full responsibility for your actions and thoughts. Rather than using this reason as an excuse to be sad, bitter, angry, irritable and ultimately carrying out irrational, violent or wrong actions. The decision starts first with you. 

You can choose to be happy, get help, seek and learn from others who survived through similar challenges and inform yourself. All these can be challenging and not so easy, trust me I know, but they are crucial to healing, self-growth and development in order to live a life of full potential.

2. Please people, there are no such things as; “I don’t know what came over me” or “this was the work of the devil” or “I raped him/her because him/her tempted me or got naked in front of me” or “I killed/was violent to him/her because they annoyed me”…

All these are never excuses or reasons, they shouldn’t even be heard of at all because you ultimately performed that wrong action. There was always the option of “walking away from annoying, painful or tempting situations” or “deciding to just not do it”. But, it all comes down to the fact that; you thought about doing it in your head first, secondly you didn’t discard it, and then you made the final decision and eventually performed that wrong action. Never blame people for your actions!!!

3. I can’t love or trust again because someone broke my heart.

My dear, you are going to miss out on a whole lot in life and may not live life to the fullest if you continue with this notion. You do not have to allow the person that broke your heart continue to influence your present thoughts, decisions and actions, long after they’ve left you. Trust me, they aren’t worth it! It’s a choice you need to make now – by yourself – to grieve, let them go, move past them, pick up yourself, be happy, hope for the best in your subsequent relationships and love again. I personally do not believe in the “he/she broke my heart” line. I like to see it as “I let him/her break my heart” because I believe it’s “ultimately my decision” to be sad or unhappy despite whatever  someone has done to me and it’s my duty to take care of myself.

4. I showered him/her with gifts/money/time/commitment/my all and they just used me only for what I had to offer them.

No doubts, this can be a really unpleasant experience when we think about it. After given a lot to someone or a course, only to realise we were actually been deceived, used or manipulated but at the end of the day it is better we take responsibility and not blame them for whatever we are going through. Not disputing the fact that you may have been used but it also doesn’t change the fact that, “you are the one that eventually made the decision and action to give all these things willingly”. Think in the direction of; you will be smarter, more vigilant, well informed and be able to watch out for deception in your subsequent relationships and hence, will make better and well informed decisions and actions.

5. Ignorance 

Some people claim “ignorance” is the reason they involve in or carry out certain actions. Either “genuine ignorance” or “false ignorance” is never enough reason to carry out any wrong act. At some point in your adult life, you need to take charge of your life and actions, educate yourself, read books, be informed, ask questions, go to seminars & conferences, go out of your way to learn new things and be determined to do the right thing. The fact that you did not know something was wrong before doing it doesn’t make it excusable. 

In conclusion, have a positive attitude to life; no person or situation is ever a reason to influence your thoughts or actions negatively. It is best to learn to take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts as this makes you – more – in control of your life, to live life the way you want it and not just be as chaff that goes in any direction – people or situations blow them to go.
Be the architect of your own life! 

Don’t let yourself be the victim to people or circumstances!  

Remember only you can take care of yourself! 

Make decisions and take actions that profit you, make you happy and lead to self growth & development. Only then will you live life to the fullest, achieve your goals and attain your maximum potential in life.
-BAMIDO BOROWA, 2017

Photo credit, Google.

VALENTINE SERIES: My love, lust story

This time last year I was so in love with a guy, I thought I would never get over him and nothing would ever come in between us, but little did I know…IMG-20160214-WA0005

My name is Mirabel I’m in my early 20s, and this is a short story of the past 3 years of my life in “love” or maybe in “lust”.

I was born and brought up in the way of the Lord, thank God for my parents; I knew what was right and what was not.IMG_20160214_120426

I met this guy at a point in my life when I was lonely and felt I needed someone or something to fill up this particular hole in me. I was desperately in search of love; I became so naïve…

He came in like my knight in shining armour. It started as friendship; plain, harmless friendship but with time grew into something bigger, a relationship or situationship…

Initially, I knew who I was so… I had never indulged in something like dating before, for heaven’s sake I was a Sunday school teacher. How on earth would it be heard that I, a teacher in church had a boyfriend?! But in my mind I consoled myself, told myself I was old and matured enough to dabble into it.

As I prayed to my God, my first ever and genuine lover, I found my heart trailing away to the thoughts of my earthly lover, he was embedded in all of me, I was beginning to lose track. Although, he knew my spiritual stand, but it still didn’t stop at the limits.

Aiming at not totally forgetting who I was, remaining a child of God in this relationship I found myself in… I tried combining “him” with my God. Serving man and God, that was when I knew I had finally taken the wrong turn.

Then the compromise started. From holding for too long, to a little hug, then a tiny kiss… and at every point and stop, I kept shunning the voice telling me, “Mirabel, should you be doing this?”. I felt I was in love.

He also loved me; at least he could do anything for me. He gave me all I needed and ever wanted. And He always said “I love u”, which when I say the same, something kept on asking, “Do you really love him or all the attention and extras that comes with him?”… to be honest, the gifts were expensive, the outing amazing and the sex… out of this world. Well, yes the sex… wondering how?IMG-20160214-WA0006

The first day, I got up from his bed naked… I had zeroed my mind. I felt so ashamed I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. And that faint voice kept on asking me, “is this what you teach in church?” But because I was almost too familiar with GOD and his word, and I thought I was smart enough to walk my way through and around it… I silenced my conscience and justified myself.

Before I knew what was going on, the first time of taking fire in my bosom lead to many other times, even though I knew it was wrong, and each time I did it I felt more worthless; I couldn’t get myself to stop or leave and I couldn’t ask for help because I was enjoying the goodies attached to itIMG_20160130_080712

Or maybe too shameful to expose my deeds and seek for guidance and counselling, thinking, “what would they think of me?” wont they think I am a sinner? Wont they stop me from teaching in church? How would I look at them and they at me? Won’t I become a gist and a topic of discussion in church? Do I necessarily need to see my pastor for this? Shouldn’t I be able to handle it and talk to my God about it? Won’t they poke their nose in my business? … On and on I kept moving forward my deliverance.

I told myself, “I love him”, that is all that matters. And since there were  plans of us getting married anyways, why not go all the way, well I would eventually still sleep with him . Yes, he promised me marriage…

So without thinking about “what God will say or what GOD thinks about this?”… And anytime it does cross my mind while with him alone in his apartment, I ignore it and continue to sip from my cup of wine. #sigh

This continued for 2 years, I lost touch with God. Although the attention from my lover was there, the money was available, the material things also and the sex good… it did not and never still filled up the space of loneliness in my heart. On the long run, it was more like diverting my energy to a wrong project. I gave my heart, love, time and body. But what was my gain? Nothing! Just ephemeral things; all vanity.

As I had thought that we were inseparable and marriage was the goal (why I threw away my virginity and dignity) life happened and we went our separate ways. Funny isn’t it? ‘Cause at a point, I loved him like the world wouldn’t exist without him and shoved aside the God of love himself.IMG-20160214-WA0004

The break up was hurtful, and then I started opening up and talking to spiritual mothers and sisters which really helped a long way. I rebuilt my relationship with my lost first love. And ever-loving, ever friendly father he took me with his two hands and now I am totally free.

No matter the way you have gone either my way or some other way you think is worse or even reasonable… it wouldn’t make what is wrong right or right the wrong.  It’s never too late to stop, think and find your way back to love, the real love that gave all for you and for me.

If like me, you are so deep and rooted in lust for one reason or the other and you think you can never get over it, speak to someone (not just anybody though) about it sincerely and you would be surprised the wonders the Lord can do through that person.

IMG-20160214-WA0009
Best love story ever..

Happy valentine’s day  lovers  :*… remember, the God of love tarries forever.

I luurrh y’all!!!

Oluwakemisola