I will never forget and forever remain grateful for that fateful day in the year 2015, when I walked into Tunde’s clinic for the first time. And after several sessions with him, I realised that I had lived my whole life making certain mistakes.
I had made it part of me – my entire life – to blame situations or people for certain actions and thoughts of mine. Although it was a bit challenging but after several sessions; I came to a realisation, made decisions and ultimately took actions. I realised that, I could either continue to “brood about how unhappy my childhood was”, “about peoples actions towards me” or “certain unpleasant situations in my life” and allow all of that result in negative feelings of sadness, bitterness and anger which ultimately results into “certain wrong or irrational actions I took” or “I could start taking charge of my own actions and thoughts, controlling them, becoming the architect of my own life”. Hence, taking full responsibility for my actions.
Over time, I’ve watched a lot of people make similar mistakes and it has become a thing of great concern to me; as I’ve watched people not live their lifes to the maximum potential due to these mistakes.
Below are 5 of the common mistakes I’ve seen and heard people make:
1. The reason for my behaviour today and bitterness is because I had an unhappy/abusive/difficult childhood.
No doubts, early childhood environment and psychosocial development contribute a vital portion of an individual’s life, but at a certain point in your adult life; you need to stand up for your – own – self. Only “you” can do that, you owe it to yourself. You have to decide to be happy and take full responsibility for your actions and thoughts. Rather than using this reason as an excuse to be sad, bitter, angry, irritable and ultimately carrying out irrational, violent or wrong actions. The decision starts first with you.
You can choose to be happy, get help, seek and learn from others who survived through similar challenges and inform yourself. All these can be challenging and not so easy, trust me I know, but they are crucial to healing, self-growth and development in order to live a life of full potential.
2. Please people, there are no such things as; “I don’t know what came over me” or “this was the work of the devil” or “I raped him/her because him/her tempted me or got naked in front of me” or “I killed/was violent to him/her because they annoyed me”…
All these are never excuses or reasons, they shouldn’t even be heard of at all because you ultimately performed that wrong action. There was always the option of “walking away from annoying, painful or tempting situations” or “deciding to just not do it”. But, it all comes down to the fact that; you thought about doing it in your head first, secondly you didn’t discard it, and then you made the final decision and eventually performed that wrong action. Never blame people for your actions!!!
My dear, you are going to miss out on a whole lot in life and may not live life to the fullest if you continue with this notion. You do not have to allow the person that broke your heart continue to influence your present thoughts, decisions and actions, long after they’ve left you. Trust me, they aren’t worth it! It’s a choice you need to make now – by yourself – to grieve, let them go, move past them, pick up yourself, be happy, hope for the best in your subsequent relationships and love again. I personally do not believe in the “he/she broke my heart” line. I like to see it as “I let him/her break my heart” because I believe it’s “ultimately my decision” to be sad or unhappy despite whatever someone has done to me and it’s my duty to take care of myself.
No doubts, this can be a really unpleasant experience when we think about it. After given a lot to someone or a course, only to realise we were actually been deceived, used or manipulated but at the end of the day it is better we take responsibility and not blame them for whatever we are going through. Not disputing the fact that you may have been used but it also doesn’t change the fact that, “you are the one that eventually made the decision and action to give all these things willingly”. Think in the direction of; you will be smarter, more vigilant, well informed and be able to watch out for deception in your subsequent relationships and hence, will make better and well informed decisions and actions.
Some people claim “ignorance” is the reason they involve in or carry out certain actions. Either “genuine ignorance” or “false ignorance” is never enough reason to carry out any wrong act. At some point in your adult life, you need to take charge of your life and actions, educate yourself, read books, be informed, ask questions, go to seminars & conferences, go out of your way to learn new things and be determined to do the right thing. The fact that you did not know something was wrong before doing it doesn’t make it excusable.
In conclusion, have a positive attitude to life; no person or situation is ever a reason to influence your thoughts or actions negatively. It is best to learn to take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts as this makes you – more – in control of your life, to live life the way you want it and not just be as chaff that goes in any direction – people or situations blow them to go.
Be the architect of your own life!
Don’t let yourself be the victim to people or circumstances!
Remember only you can take care of yourself!
Make decisions and take actions that profit you, make you happy and lead to self growth & development. Only then will you live life to the fullest, achieve your goals and attain your maximum potential in life.
-BAMIDO BOROWA, 2017
Photo credit, Google.